The secret to a happy marriage: flexible roles (2024)

Between 2005 and 2010, one in ten married couples in Indonesia got divorced, according to data from the Supreme Court. In 70% of the cases, the wife initiated the divorce. The trend has only increased since then, rising by 80% between 2010 and 2015.

Why are women twice as likely as men to seek a divorce? One assumption is that the idea of gender equality as promoted through feminism drives this divorce rate. But it’s an assumption that’s not supported by the evidence.

Data from the Ministry of Religious Affairs, which administers marriages and divorces, identify at least three main reasons cited by those filing for divorce: marital disharmony, responsibility, and money problems. All three reasons relate to the flexibility of the respective roles of the wife and husband in a marriage.

Women’s multiple roles

The involvement of women in the economic workforce and public life has not been reciprocated by a shift among men into domestic work and reproductive life. As a result, women assume multiple responsibilities as daughters, wives, mothers, workers and members of society.

As a daughter, a woman is traditionally responsible for taking care of her parents. As a wife, she is expected to serve her husband, preparing food, clothing and other personal needs. As a mother, she has to take care of the children and their needs, including education.

As a worker, she has to be professional, disciplined and a good employee. And as a member of society, she is expected to participate in community activities and volunteer work, both within her community and through social organisations.

Read more: ‘It takes a village to raise a child’

By contrast, men have traditionally had just one role, as the family’s breadwinner, and little obligation to be socially active within their community.

The secret to a happy marriage: flexible roles (1)

Some cultures and families still maintain those gender roles today. It is understandable, therefore, that these multiple burdens of responsibility on women impose hardship on them and leave them vulnerable.

Flexible roles

Overcoming this inflexibility in women’s and men’s roles within marriage is therefore important.

Let’s first posit that, by the very definition of role flexibility, both men and women have equal responsibility for domestic and caretaker tasks within the family, on the basis of fair agreement and commitment. Doing the dishes, laundry, ironing, cooking, feeding the baby and so on are not solely the wife’s job, but also the responsibility of the husband. Equal doesn’t mean similar. So different families might apportion tasks in different ways to each member of the family.

The second idea is that both men and women have equal responsibilities to earn money and to participate actively within the community. An example of role flexibility here is when the couple decide to have a child and the woman becomes pregnant. In many cases, the pregnancy will mean she will contribute less toward the family income.

In another scenario, when the woman obtains a better-paying job than the man, it should not matter that she earns more than her husband. The most important point is that the decision is in the best interests of the whole family and doesn’t disproportionately burden one family member. A husband no longer has to earn more money than his wife or vice versa.

Flexible roles brings marital happiness

Empirical evidence supports the argument for greater role flexibility within the marital space.

In early 2018 we conducted a survey supported by the Ford Foundation of 106 married respondents in Yogyakarta. Some 54% said they were “very happy” in their family. Of those, nearly two-thirds described the gender role flexibility within their marriage as “high”.

By comparison, of the 45% who said they were merely “happy”, nearly three-fifths said the gender role flexibility in their marriage was only “moderate”.

The more flexible the roles of men and women in the family, the happier they are.

The secret to a happy marriage: flexible roles (2)

The findings are interesting, especially for policymakers and religious leaders, as well as the wider community. The idea of flexibility in marital roles is in line with the characteristics of the millennial generation: dynamic, non-fixed and non-rigid.

Implementing a flexible arrangement for men’s and women’s roles in the household can contribute to the happiness of the family members and help reduce the number of divorces. Nobody, after all, dreams of having a broken family.

The secret to a happy marriage: flexible roles (2024)

FAQs

What is the secret to happy marriage? ›

Communicate clearly and often

Part of good communication is being a good listener and taking the time to understand what it is your spouse wants and needs from you. Keep the lines of communication open by talking often, and not just about things like bills and the kids. Share your thoughts and feelings.

What is the number one thing in a satisfied marriage? ›

First and foremost, communication is vital. In order for a relationship to work, both partners need to speak to one another about problems in addition to just sharing the good times. If something is wrong, a person must speak up, so there aren't hurt feelings and unresolved issues that never get addressed.

What is the number one key to a successful marriage? ›

The ability to talk and listen to each other is one key to a healthy marriage. You should never assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling. Tell your spouse what is going on—and as a spouse, know when to simply listen.

What is the wife's obligation to her husband? ›

In Ephesians 5:33, Paul says, ” … the wife must respect her husband.” When you respect your husband you reverence him, notice him, regard him, honor him, prefer him, and esteem him. It means valuing his opinion, admiring his wisdom and character, appreciating his commitment to you, and considering his needs and values.

What are the 5 C's in marriage? ›

These components are communication, compatibility, commitment, care and compromise. Heller found that the happiest individuals in his research were those who could identify all five of these elements in their romantic relationships. Let's take a look at them.

What is the biggest divorce predictor? ›

Lack of intimacy is one of the top predictors of divorce. While intimacy is an essential aspect of a healthy marriage, reduced intimacy can be due to children or busy work lives.

What is the #1 rule of marriage? ›

Respect each other

One of the greatest rules of a happy marriage is respect. Even when you're fighting, you have to maintain respect for each other in order for things to work. It's important to keep calm when you have disagreements. It's OK to get angry, but never resort to name calling or spiteful comments.

What are the three words for a happy marriage? ›

Pope Francis shared some advice for a happy marriage in a letter to worshippers on Sunday. In the letter, Francis said couples should remember to say three words: “please, thanks and sorry.”

What makes a man happy in marriage? ›

Pamper him with special gestures everyday, cook his favourite dish, buy him a surprise gift, slip in a love note along with his lunch box. Cooking a special dish always works! Find a different way to win his heart everyday. Most couples are romantic during the initial years of marriage.

How to make wife happy? ›

Show her how passionate you are about her by taking her in your arms and kissing her while she's doing laundry. Cuddle with her on the couch while you both read a book or listen to music. The closer the two of you are, the happier your wife will be. Set aside time each day to connect with your wife.

What are the 7 keys to marriage? ›

Timeless Tips: The 7 Research-Based Principles for Making Marriage Work
  • Enhance your love maps.
  • Nurture your fondness and admiration.
  • Turn toward each other instead of away.
  • Let your partner influence you.
  • Solve your solvable problems.
  • Overcome gridlock.
  • Create shared meaning.
Mar 28, 2022

What does a wife need the most from her husband? ›

Women want a husband that they can count on, and this hasn't changed in recent years. Yes, women look to their spouse to be a lover and friend, but they also want him to be supportive and trustworthy. They want to know that he will be there and will be loyal.

When should a wife not submit to her husband? ›

When a husband dishonors his wife in any way, she needs to draw the line between being submissive and disrespectful. It is not always easy when faced with difficult decisions, but when disrespected, a wife should respect herself enough not to submit to any suggestions that do not honor God or their relationship.

What is the role of a good wife? ›

A good wife exhibits both care and compassion. She is sensitive to the family's needs and does her best to provide a solution. She understands when her husband is frustrated and tries to make him happy. Her caring disposition ensures the family does not lack in any aspect of life.

What is the secret ingredient to a happy marriage? ›

Communication is to a marriage what gasoline is to an automobile: without it, you're not going anywhere. And the better the communication, the longer the “motor” will last. The words we choose to connect with others are incredibly important. Use the right ones and you generate feelings of love, safety, and security.

What are the seven secrets to a happy marriage? ›

Seven secrets to a happy marriage.
  • Get through things. Marriage is hard. ...
  • Own your mistakes. In fact, own a few of theirs if you have to! ...
  • Keep the main thing the main thing. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. ...
  • Communicate well. ...
  • Wherever you are, be there. ...
  • Keep the love alive. ...
  • Meet their needs.

What brings happiness in marriage? ›

There are many factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage/relationship such as; Love, Commitment, Trust, Time, Attention, Good Communication including Listening , Partnership, Tolerance, Patience, Openness, Honesty, Respect, Sharing, Consideration, Generosity, Willingness/Ability to Compromise, Constructive ...

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